fodder for the masses

Sunday, December 31, 2006

And then it was 2007

Here it is - 2007 in all it's glory.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Christmas rushing headlong

Please use elevators, stairs stuck between floors.

That's the way things pan out sometimes.

Strange days. Getting close to the Christmas holiday season. Something in the air seems to cause people to act strangely. It's a well known phenomena. People get weird.

Forget the work Christmas party - old hat, everyone's been there, done that; Banged the arse of something in a broom closet somewhere, pulling the regretful stance next day, as if you didn't want to; "If I hadn't been plastered...", yeh, right, sure thing.

Forget all that. I got bored writing it.

I'm observing the subtle changes in people; people start thinking of more than the immediate circle of friends, family and in-laws, people seem to get a bit more introspective; thinking upon the past, thinking of youthful times - seems to be some regression thing happening.

I'm noticing a change in my own head. Any change needs looking at if it's in my head let me tell you. Man of a million pills. Controlled, devolved, repressed, suppressed, following the straight line, no deviation available if you follow the instructions on the label, slamming them down.

Stops any people scaring things taking place. Don't want to give 'em anything to worry about after all.

Happens more than at Christmas, happens anytime I get so noise free space - rare, appreciated, free space; then I get slower, deeper, thinking about how it all unfolds; who controlled the unfolding, are they still hands on, am I at it myself, this subliminal thing doing it for me, unconscious picking of a path through a web of possibilities.

Ya, dig back a bit, looking for triggers, looking for the major upheavals, the 'chaos' situations that occur. Mandelbrot, and many others, opined that change was not a gradual path, whatever the slope, but more a series of jerks, upheavals, crashes, that forced the change, to another level, another place, another state. Seems to me the chaos theory won out.

Orderly to disorderly and back again. Leaps ahead, followed by a consolidation period.

Whatever it is, sometimes you get to thinking how things went and why and ruminating about old situations, old friends, lovers, partners, people passing through, people long gone. Asking why did you do something at that time - was it in some master script? What purpose did those people have in your life?

Some people you remember as being a genuine lesson experience. Lessons you remember. Apply throughout life. Others, you wonder why.

Was young Angie, back twenty years, just a pleasure machine, or was there a lesson there?

Was there a reason for having John's wife, and her sister? Was there something there? Was it just an animal attraction, a conquest, plain and simple? If so, was that a lesson in animal attraction?

You wonder what they're doing - always hopeful that they have been unable to get by without you.

I find myself thinking 'what would' type things. What would have been the outcome if I had 'just done', whatever.

The problem with the entire deal being linear and one way is you don't get to test options.

I often find myself looking for the next big jerk, explosion, the move to the next phase. What I wonder is 'will I recognise it?' - 'what if it's already happened and I'm in the middle of it?'

Life should come with a handbook that explains all these things. For me anyway.
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Sunday, December 10, 2006

Getting older.

not aging well
Saturday. Saturday the 9th of December. Another birthday for me. 52 years old.

How did I manage to get this old? Fifty two years on the planet and not a lot to show for it at all. I expected to be the president of a country by now. Perhaps I might have been elevated to the status of Pope. Anything. Famous movie producer. Actor of renown. International playboy.

It didn't happen. I ended up normal. Well, maybe not normal, but I didn't manage to be the dictator of some impoverished, neglected country, surrounded by slaves and good looking concubines. It just didn't seem to happen.

Didn't manage fame and fortune, being fettered by the rich.

Managed mediocrity - with a series of adrenalin rushes, acting as punctuation marks throughout the time line. Mediocrity with bumps.

I don't feel this age. I will admit to feeling pretty average, but I suspect that is a hangover from this years damage roster rather than the effect of the years. I hope it is. I've got way too much to do to be slowing down now.

The last, should I say, the first, fifty years have been full of adventure and madness. And, I survived. Now I have to have a go at the next fifty.

People of my age always looked and acted so old from the point of view of my youth. I know that's the way todays youth see me. Unavoidable really. Fact is, I don't feel anything like the way I look.

I still seem to be stuck at eighteen - maybe twenty. My brain seems to have forgotten to grow along with the rest of me.

So much to do. So many adventures to have. I need more time. Much more time.

And, I'm already 52.

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